The day after Mike broke my heart I met a man. He hasn't called again and I don't mind. For me it was grace, God's little gift to let me know that I am alive, desirable, and moving forward. He was a nice man and we had a nice conversation. There are other nice men. I'll have more nice conversations.
Mary

February 19, 2010. This is the day I begin to think of my life in a whole new way.

Mike is out of my life, just like that. Yesterday morning he called, as always, we chatted while he drove to work, as always, I said, "I am in love with you," and he replied, "I'm glad." He didn't end the call with "I love you." That has never happened before. Never.

My friends said I was overreacting. Men don't always say everything they feel. Yes, I know. But I know my man. I know he had to consciously stop himself from saying it. Why would he do that?

An hour later I dropped him a short email asking if his growing distance was about all the other stuff going on in his life or if it was about me. Honestly, even after the loss of the "I love you" I expected quick reassurance, "No baby, it's not you. I'm just not myself." That is what I expected. That response never came. No response came, all day.

At 3:30 I sent him a text asking if he got my email. At 4:30 he replied that he had, but was thinking about his response. I sent a two word reply: oh shit.

Thursday nights his son goes to a divorce recovery group, so he was home alone for a couple of hours and he called me. "Hi honey," he said with his voice down and rather flat. I asked what was going on and he said it seemed like we were stuck where we are and nothing was ever going to change. He feels like he needs to stay where he is for the best for his son and I need to stay where I am to keep my team of doctors and we'll never be together.

I told him I was willing to talk about that. I could look for a church near him. I was thinking about that anyway. I want to be with him. He got quiet. Finally I asked directly if he wanted me to move to his state and he didn't answer. After a long silence I asked, "Aren't you in love with me any more?" He answered, "No," a short silence, "not like I was before."

I didn't see it coming. He has been withdrawing a bit lately, but he is a moody guy. I told him I was concerned a couple of weeks ago and recommended that he get back on his anti-depressants. He agreed and started taking them again. One day I heard the playfulness back in his voice and I thought things would get better, but then the flatness came back. So, I asked again last night whether he was still taking his meds. He said, yes.

That is basically the last thing he said. I mean, what else is there to say after you have said that you have stopped loving your girlfriend? Twice I asked him to say something to break long silences. He said nothing. Finally I admitted that if he had nothing to say to me there was no reason for me to be on the phone. I told him I love him, and hung up. I have heard nothing from him since then. No call, text, or email. He is gone. Just like that.

Nobody else is surprised. They point out how bumpy our relationship has been from the start. But, from my perspective it is completely unimaginable. Since we got back together last June we have never, ever hinted at any thought of not staying together. Last year's break up just didn't work for either of us, or so I thought. I met several other men, but my love for Mike never dimmed a single bit. I wanted only him. When we got back together I was absolutely sure this was it. We had experimented with splitting up and we just had to be together. We'd do whatever it takes to make it work.

I wasn't surprised to see him down. I've seen that before. I wasn't surprised to see him withdraw, or even to wonder if our being together was ever a realistic idea. We have been there before, too. But he has never, ever said he didn't love me anymore. He has always loved me.

I don't know how to stop loving him so suddenly. My sister asked how I was feeling... afraid, angry, disappointed, what? My only true answer is broken-hearted. I still love my man. I still want my man. I still want the life I imagined with my man. But more than all of that I want to be loved, really loved. He doesn't love me, so there is no point in talking to him or trying to change his mind. I don't want him to stay with me just to protect me from this broken heart. I want to be loved.

Today I bought a digital scale. I thought it would cost more than it did. It was just $30. Since I'm tracking everything I eat I want to also be able to track my weight.

Then something interesting happened. I looked at my old Weight Watchers stuff and found that I had joined on this very date in 2000, ten years ago today. Much to my surprise I have lost 49 lbs. since then.

I've lost 30 since my high last summer, but I was that heavy only a short time. In other words, I gained about 15 lbs. in 2008-09, and finally decided something had to be done about that. So, the first 15 just put me back to "normal." Now I am down 15 more from that. I'm wearing my smallest clothes and can no longer wear my largest.

It is just really hard for me to believe that I used to carry 49 pounds more. Actually, that day ten years ago was not even my high. I never weighed myself at my highest, but I wore two sizes larger than my weight from ten years ago. In other words, I had already lost two sizes when I joined WW. If you figure roughly ten pounds per size I may have lost as much as 70 lb, and I still have about 15 more to go.

It is frightening to think at one time I was perhaps 85 lbs. overweight. It is amazing what can happen to our bodies when we are not paying attention.

I had fun eating healthy today! For breakfast I had a cup of lovely vanilla yogurt with 1/4 cup of Grape Nuts, 1/4 cup of walnuts, and 1/4 cup of blueberries. Yum.

Lunch was red cabbage cooked in chicken broth with a dab of butter and squeeze of lime.

Dinner was 1/2 an acorn squash with a TB Agave Nectar, and crystalized ginger, slivered.

Oh! And I had a serving of M& Ms (not healthy), V8, coffee, water, and I made up my own hot chocolate recipe. To a cup of warm milk I added a heaping TB of unsweetened cocoa and a TB of Agave Nectar. It worked great. I am love, love, loving my Agave Nectar! So glad to have an alternative to sugar or artificial sweeteners.

It is fun to make healthy choices.

Today was financial day. I know that living with stress is a complication to my health goals. I have high blood pressure and way too many chronic problems. Reducing stress is important.

Unfortunately the financial stress hangs around when I procrastinate dealing with it, but dealing with it is also stressful. I'm choosing acute stress over chronic stress. My new motto is Do it Now!

I actually got my taxes filed today. Hooray! I did the FAFSA for both kids today. Hooray! I went through a big pile of paperwork nonsense. Most of it went into the trash, but I also found several scary, stress-building bills. Boo. The good news is the taxes are filed and I'm getting refund soon, so I was able to imagine getting those bills paid and off my desk this month. Hooray.

As much as I would love to spend one day re-ordering my life to be all healthy it just doesn't work that way. I have to get there one baby step at a time, one decision at a time, one day at a time. I made my fiber and water goals today. I de-cluttered a lot of paper. It was a good day even though I feel really sick and stressed.

I also did yoga today. I'm working a comprehensive plan of reducing stress every way I know, supporting my health with food choices, getting enough rest, and getting appropriate exercise. One step at a time I will reach my goals. I think I can. I think I can. I'm a little engine and I can.

Today's health agenda included 37 grams of fiber, 19 "points" on WW, physical therapy, choir practice, and work on the mess I made of my money. Tomorrow I do my taxes and FAFSA! That is a must. It will do more to relieve my stress than anything I can think of.

Meanwhile, I need to figure out how to make at least an additonal $400 per month from now through August. I wonder if there is such a thing as a part time chaplain position open somewhere around here. How would I find it? I'd like to have a job with actual hours that ends in a paycheck. I've done enough work-on-my-own time jobs to hold me for a while. I'd like to have some structure to my day.

That is it for today. Time to get some rest.

Re-Imagining My Health

Hi Chris, and anybody else who happens to read this,
Thanks for staying interested in me. I've been a very poor blogger on this blog, but I expect that to change with this post.

For Christmas I received the book I asked for, Chef MD's Big Book of Culinary Medicine: A Food Lover's Road Map to Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Getting Really Healthy, by John La Puma, M.D., and Rebecca Powel Marx. I decided to read it cover to cover. I'm not finished yet. Meanwhile I'm really excited about new habits that are forming in my daily routines.

I've been crazy sick for a crazy long time, and I'm sick of it. In January I passed my threshold for tolerance of chronic symptoms. I'm done. I can handle chronic illness as well as the next guy, but I am staring down the barrel of my sixth chronic illness diagnosis. That is not acceptable. It is time to face the fact that I am not getting away with ignoring my illnesses and just living life with my mind on other things. I am ill and I am the one who must do something about it.

My doctors have told me it is important that I eat 25 grams of fiber every day and drink plenty of water. I have done that long enough now that I'm getting good at it. Making that one change is making lots of other changes. When I fill up on fiber, like cabbage, I lose weight because I'm not hungry for the weight gaining stuff. So far I've lost 28 lbs. I would like to lose ten more and twenty-five would still be in the healthy range.

So, I will be blogging about what I am doing to become healthier one day at a time. I will be working on my budget, on de-cluttering my home, on making healthy choices in my diet, on eating at home most of the time, on mediation, on exercise, and on serving others. This will be a season of reflection and practice of healthier habits.

I am re-imagining myself and look forward to blogging about it.
Peace to all,
Mary