February 19, 2010. This is the day I begin to think of my life in a whole new way.

Mike is out of my life, just like that. Yesterday morning he called, as always, we chatted while he drove to work, as always, I said, "I am in love with you," and he replied, "I'm glad." He didn't end the call with "I love you." That has never happened before. Never.

My friends said I was overreacting. Men don't always say everything they feel. Yes, I know. But I know my man. I know he had to consciously stop himself from saying it. Why would he do that?

An hour later I dropped him a short email asking if his growing distance was about all the other stuff going on in his life or if it was about me. Honestly, even after the loss of the "I love you" I expected quick reassurance, "No baby, it's not you. I'm just not myself." That is what I expected. That response never came. No response came, all day.

At 3:30 I sent him a text asking if he got my email. At 4:30 he replied that he had, but was thinking about his response. I sent a two word reply: oh shit.

Thursday nights his son goes to a divorce recovery group, so he was home alone for a couple of hours and he called me. "Hi honey," he said with his voice down and rather flat. I asked what was going on and he said it seemed like we were stuck where we are and nothing was ever going to change. He feels like he needs to stay where he is for the best for his son and I need to stay where I am to keep my team of doctors and we'll never be together.

I told him I was willing to talk about that. I could look for a church near him. I was thinking about that anyway. I want to be with him. He got quiet. Finally I asked directly if he wanted me to move to his state and he didn't answer. After a long silence I asked, "Aren't you in love with me any more?" He answered, "No," a short silence, "not like I was before."

I didn't see it coming. He has been withdrawing a bit lately, but he is a moody guy. I told him I was concerned a couple of weeks ago and recommended that he get back on his anti-depressants. He agreed and started taking them again. One day I heard the playfulness back in his voice and I thought things would get better, but then the flatness came back. So, I asked again last night whether he was still taking his meds. He said, yes.

That is basically the last thing he said. I mean, what else is there to say after you have said that you have stopped loving your girlfriend? Twice I asked him to say something to break long silences. He said nothing. Finally I admitted that if he had nothing to say to me there was no reason for me to be on the phone. I told him I love him, and hung up. I have heard nothing from him since then. No call, text, or email. He is gone. Just like that.

Nobody else is surprised. They point out how bumpy our relationship has been from the start. But, from my perspective it is completely unimaginable. Since we got back together last June we have never, ever hinted at any thought of not staying together. Last year's break up just didn't work for either of us, or so I thought. I met several other men, but my love for Mike never dimmed a single bit. I wanted only him. When we got back together I was absolutely sure this was it. We had experimented with splitting up and we just had to be together. We'd do whatever it takes to make it work.

I wasn't surprised to see him down. I've seen that before. I wasn't surprised to see him withdraw, or even to wonder if our being together was ever a realistic idea. We have been there before, too. But he has never, ever said he didn't love me anymore. He has always loved me.

I don't know how to stop loving him so suddenly. My sister asked how I was feeling... afraid, angry, disappointed, what? My only true answer is broken-hearted. I still love my man. I still want my man. I still want the life I imagined with my man. But more than all of that I want to be loved, really loved. He doesn't love me, so there is no point in talking to him or trying to change his mind. I don't want him to stay with me just to protect me from this broken heart. I want to be loved.