Answers

Dear Friends,
I have my answers now. Mike ended it today. It wasn't my imagination that he was pulling away. So we bless each other and move on.

I've never felt comfortable with the practice of never speaking again to anyone, much less someone who has been important in my life. I want to honor the relationship as it was and let it become something else. This time, though, I'm not sure about that. Perhaps this relationship has run the full track of the roller coaster and has come safely into the embark/disembark shelter. It is time to disembark with fond memories of the ride.

Other things will be occupying my mind soon as classes resume this week.
Imagine good things,
Mary

Gifts 2

Dear Friends,
Mike did not get me a Christmas present, though he said he intended to get me... a prayer journal! Imagine that. He said we would exchange gifts when I see him this week. I'm glad I said something, not because the gift is so important, but because my most common love error is to suffer in silence. Whenever I feel hurt or unloved or unlovable I tend to draw into myself and take responsibility for feeling that way and forgive the other person without ever expressing a thing. That is no way to be known. And how can I be loved by someone I don't allow to know me?

I feel differently about gifts today than I did when I posted the other day. I knew even then that material stuff is not the stuff of life and love. But my insecurities arose and I found myself asking the question, Am I being blind and naiive here? Am I creating a fantasy love and ignoring evidence that the real man is not, in fact, in love with me? I ask myself those questions a lot and I don't know the answers.
Mary

Prayer

Dear Friends,
I've been preaching about prayer lately and I have to admit I feel a bit ambivalent about it. There are some real dangers in just assuming prayer is simple and good. One problem is placing the authority of God behind a decision or choice one makes. Ministers are often caught in a cunundrum when a deacon or elder comes to a meeting and announces, "The Lord told me...". Such statements tend to conclude with things like, "we need to buy that property out on the highway." Okay. Well, did God tell you how we should pay for it? The only answer to such pragmatic questions is then, "Trust Him. It'll all work out." Then we get regaled with stories of the elder's uncle whose church made a similar decision to Trust God and how well everything worked out. Again, that is great, but the problem is such things are conversation stoppers. Nobody can raise real questions without exposing her/his lack of faith.

Another potential problem with prayer is the way it can set us up to see God as fickle. We hear stories of how Aunt Maude prayed for her son and his cancer disappeared over night and we wonder why our miracle has not come.

Prayer can set people up to see God as a doting uncle with deep pockets who just waits for you to ask so he can reward you with whatever your heart desires.

The problem with all of these scenerios is, Who would worship such a God? God tells people to take financial risks with the church's money that they would never take with their own. God heals some and leaves others to absolute pain and despair. God is like a slot machine in Vegas, taking in prayers like quarters and every so often answering one with a jackpot. Such a god is theologically disgusting.

But there is something profoundly healing in prayer. Community is built on common prayer. Peace does come in response to the unburdening of confession. Hope does come through prayers offered in hospital waiting rooms. Salvation waits for those who would humble themselves in prayer and ask with open hearts. Who can deny such things?

And so I counsel my congregation to pray while I struggle with it myself. Such is the life of a pastor.
Imagine all things good,
Mary

Gifts

Dear Friends,
I'm afraid Mike didn't get me a present for Christmas and I'm afraid of what that means. Is it possible to love the woman of your dreams and not get her a present for Christmas? Is it possible to be in love without buying something once in a while, at least at Christmas and birthdays? I have a whole collection of presents I got for him while I was Christmas shopping and while I was vacationing in Colorado. I got something for his son. Did he ever get me anything? Does it matter? Should it? Should I let it go? Or does it really mean everything at the end of the day? I honestly don't know. I asked him (by text) but he hasn't answsered me. A friend told me last night that clearly Mike and I don't love each other because love doesn't act like this. Perhaps that friend is right. I just don't know.
Mary

Coins

Dear Friends,
I had coins all over my house, in drawers, collecting dust on my dresser and desk, in little baskets, just wherever. Today I collected them all into a large jar. I wonder how much money is in that jar. There are loads of pennies, of course. But there are also nickles, dimes, quarters, and even at least one dollar coin. There are also coins from France, Germany, and Canada. For good measure I added the $2 bill that I got as a time years ago when I was a waitress.

I can remember searching under the floormats of our car back when I was married, looking for the final $2.40 we needed to pay rent. We actually had to ask someone for two dollars and forty cents to pay our rent. That was awful.

I guess this jar is a symbol of getting my financial shit together in the new year. Next I want to organize my books. I could use a symbol of having my school shit together, too. One step at a time. One day at a time. One symbol at a time. One penny at a time.
Imagine wealth in the new year,
Mary

Woman of No Consequence, #11

Dear Friends,
I watch a lot of movies when I have time. During the break I have watched probably an average of two movies a day. My favorite professor teaches a class on film. He looks for patterns in Biblical texts and looks for similar patterns in film and puts the two into conversation with each other. He is brilliant at it. I've learned a lot about the texts and life from his observations of movies. I'm not so brilliant at it. My two attempts at writing film papers for him resulted in an A- and a B+. Not total disasters, but I'm not exactly a natural. I try.

My problem is I am not detached enough, not scholarly enough to notice the things he notices, like the lighting or the long camera shot or why those colors were used for that scene. I live the stories with the characters.

Embarrassing as it is, one of my favorite films is "The Holiday," starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet (with Jude Law and Jack Black). At one point Kate's character is talking to a charming retired Hollywood writer who tells her she is obviously a "leading lady" and not "the best friend." She says something like, "I should be the leading lady of my own life, for goodness sake!" It seems so obvious, but she is kind of surprised by that idea. I have to admit, I am, too. Am I really the leading lady of my own life?

Today I was watching another film, "My Sassy Girl." During the credits they ran a list of "Woman of No Consequence" listed as #1 through #11. Wow. How would you like to call your mom and say, "I finally made it! I got cast in a film!" She asks what part you got. "I got 'Woman of No Consequence #11.'" Yikes! How awful. I want to watch the film again now and carefully count out each of them and learn their names. Silly, I know. And I won't actually do it. But I feel a sort of obligation to those actresses.

I really do believe Wayne Dyer when he tells me that "what I think about expands." I know I need to think positive things and imagine a wonderful life for myself and those around me. But the truth is, most of the time I feel like "Woman of No Consequence, #11." Yeah, I matter to a couple of people, mostly my kids, but really my life is of no consequence.

I'm not depressed and I don't want to die or anything like that. I'm actually very happy. I just don't seem to matter very much, even to myself. All this talk of finding your purpose or God's plan for your life or whatever just falls flat for me. I'm a person. So what?

This leads me to another line from a film. Sandra Bullock in "Hope Floats" tells her daughter, "I'm just an ordinary person, and that's okay, because you make me special." Yep. That rings a lot more true to me than, "God has a plan for my life and it is my mission to fulfill it." Whatever. I think I am a woman of no consequence and that is okay.

Be happy,
Mary

A Memorable Day

Dear Friends,
Today we got a new president. President Obama is really a welcome shock to the system. I am pleased for us all.

Today I also got a new computer. I logged on this morning as usual, but after a couple of hours my screen went black and that was the end of the dear old Think Pad. I knew that day was coming. Today is actually a good day for it because I have a week to break in a new one before school starts.

I got a Toshiba notebook, which is all well and good. I'm sure I'll love it eventually. I really do not enjoy moving into new technology homes ~ cell phones, computers, cars, whatever. My daughter even gave me an MP3 player she won and I gave it away rather than learn how to use it. I know, I know. Now today I got 50 free song downloads with the purchase of my new computer and I don't have an MP3 player. Whatever.

Now I have to purchase Microsoft Word or whatever. Good grief, I really don't know what I'm doing. I once purchased Microsoft Word for Teachers and Students 2003. Now I don't know where I've put it. I suppose I "need" the 2007 version anyway. The guy at the computer store told me my computer was ready to go right out of the box because everything was pre-loaded. Cool. Well, I still have to buy the 2007 Word thingy. It is loaded, but wouldn't I be better off buying it at the store so I have the CD to upload on my son's computer when he gets it? I'm so confused.

For now I'm going to bed. Sleep well President Obama. Sleep well new Toshiba. It has been a full day! :)
Be Happy,
Mary

Imagination

Dear Friends,
Something amazing has happened. Two of my blog friends have recently "come out" to say that their online personas were total fictions. One created a 78-year-old widower who missed his beloved deeply. Turns out his wife is very much alive. I have no idea how old he is. Guess he is male, though. The other is a married woman who created a fictional married woman who was retirement age and loving life. Both fictional characters were fantastic!

Folks in that particular blogging family are responding with confusion and some (I guess) are angry or feel betrayed or something. I'm not active enough in that blogging world to follow all the threads. Lots of folks are offering support and forgiveness. The whole thing is surreal. I can't imagine why they need support or forgiveness. What they need are book contracts! Both of them are great writers with amazing imaginations!

I am thrilled to know that adults are out there using their imaginations! Good for them! Why is a fiction interpreted as a lie? There is a difference. Anyway, I didn't want to jump into the middle of the fray over there, so I'm writing my thoughts here. How I wish I had such an active imagination. It cracks me up that I am the one with "imagine" in my blog name! Ha! I have so much to learn!
Be happy and imaginative!
Mary

Distractions

Dear Friends,
I've been listening to my Tony Robbins CDs and my Wayne Dyer tapes. I know my life could be "so much more" and I have the tools to make it whatever I want it to be. But I sit here at my computer and read blogs and play computer games. I wonder why? Am I just distracted or do I not know what I want? Or do I need down time? Do I need to play games to keep my mind sharp or to give my thoughts room to develop? I don't know.

It is odd because I don't really think I even like to play games that much. So why do I do it?
Just asking.
Mary

Happy

Dear Friends,
I started this blog because I wanted to challenge myself to imagine good things and not wallow in sadness or negativity. Yet, I was sad and lonely and a little lost. Now I rarely post and seem to have nothing to say. Why? I'm happy. Happiness is boring.

I still want to improve my life. There are so many things about myself, my habits, and my life that I would like to change. Yet, I don't seem to care enough to actually change them. I'm happy.

I have one more week of winter break. School starts January 28 for me. I already have received assignments that are due the first week, so effectively school has started. I'm trying to get myself to read a bit each day so I don't get overwhelmed and don't start the semester already behind. Trying. There is no try. Do or do not. Ha. Mostly I do not read ahead. I did read a few pages yesterday and a few today, but I'll have to step it up.

When I started this blog I had so much to say and was so hungry for new friends. Friendships take time and effort. I've let my new friends down. I haven't kept up my reading and commenting and writing and responding like I thought I would.

Anyway, for what it is worth, I'm glad a few of you read my blog and I do enjoy reading yours. Leave me a link to your blogs if I don't already have it. I want to get to know you. Really, I do.

Happy writing, my friends. Be well.
Mary

About Priorities

Dear Friends,
I'm thinking about priorities. My daughter is going to an expensive college and we are short $1600 from her first semester. I've always assumed my kids were my first priority and that I would do whatever it takes to get them launched in life. But I'm on disability and have limited income. If I make more money than I do now I risk losing Medicare and Medicaid. My daughter was already kicked off Medicaid because she is 19 and not pregnant. My application for a parent PLUS loan was denied because my student loans were forgiven due to my disability. I cannot get any new student loans. I knew that, of course, but never thought about it affecting my ability to help my daughter stay in school.

She is an A student with a bright future and knows what she wants to do with her life. I can't just let her be blocked from continuing her education, but how can I come up with that kind of money ~ both now, and each semester until she graduates? Is making her my priority enough? Did I make a mistake encouraging her to pursue what she desires in life? Should I have taught her to get a job and make her own way instead? That is what my parents taught me. I worked since I was 14, but somehow missed out on the high school experience and never developed a real passion. I want to encourage her. But how?

I want to declutter my house and live in a clean, peaceful, and beautiful home. I've worked on it quite a bit during the school break, but still have a long way to go. Yet, I sit here and play a game on the computer instead of scrubbing floors.

School starts back January 28, which seems so far away, but now is only 18 more days. I have major plans for tomorrow, Monday, and Tuesday, so that brings it to 15 days. I already have two assignments that are due when school starts. So, I need to order my books and get started. Sigh.

My son is growing up so fast. Yesterday we travelled to see him perform at the state conference of high school thespians. His performance was amazing, as was the whole show. He is dating a lovely, adorable girl. He seems to be doing so well, but do I give him enough attention and time? No. Of course not.

I have a meeting on Monday with my "Commission on Ordination." They are going to ask me all sorts of questions about how much God is doing in my life and how sure I am of my call to ministry and ordination. My answers are: "Um... not sure." Not wise to say that, though.

I love Mike desperately, or at least I think I do. Yet I'm desperately unhappy. I want so badly to be in love with a man who loves me (Mike does) AND makes me his priority (Mike doesn't).

So I wake up every morning wondering what is important to me. How should I spend my time and money and resources today? If I knew what I wanted it would sure help.

Imagine a good life,
Mary