Woman of No Consequence, #11

Dear Friends,
I watch a lot of movies when I have time. During the break I have watched probably an average of two movies a day. My favorite professor teaches a class on film. He looks for patterns in Biblical texts and looks for similar patterns in film and puts the two into conversation with each other. He is brilliant at it. I've learned a lot about the texts and life from his observations of movies. I'm not so brilliant at it. My two attempts at writing film papers for him resulted in an A- and a B+. Not total disasters, but I'm not exactly a natural. I try.

My problem is I am not detached enough, not scholarly enough to notice the things he notices, like the lighting or the long camera shot or why those colors were used for that scene. I live the stories with the characters.

Embarrassing as it is, one of my favorite films is "The Holiday," starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet (with Jude Law and Jack Black). At one point Kate's character is talking to a charming retired Hollywood writer who tells her she is obviously a "leading lady" and not "the best friend." She says something like, "I should be the leading lady of my own life, for goodness sake!" It seems so obvious, but she is kind of surprised by that idea. I have to admit, I am, too. Am I really the leading lady of my own life?

Today I was watching another film, "My Sassy Girl." During the credits they ran a list of "Woman of No Consequence" listed as #1 through #11. Wow. How would you like to call your mom and say, "I finally made it! I got cast in a film!" She asks what part you got. "I got 'Woman of No Consequence #11.'" Yikes! How awful. I want to watch the film again now and carefully count out each of them and learn their names. Silly, I know. And I won't actually do it. But I feel a sort of obligation to those actresses.

I really do believe Wayne Dyer when he tells me that "what I think about expands." I know I need to think positive things and imagine a wonderful life for myself and those around me. But the truth is, most of the time I feel like "Woman of No Consequence, #11." Yeah, I matter to a couple of people, mostly my kids, but really my life is of no consequence.

I'm not depressed and I don't want to die or anything like that. I'm actually very happy. I just don't seem to matter very much, even to myself. All this talk of finding your purpose or God's plan for your life or whatever just falls flat for me. I'm a person. So what?

This leads me to another line from a film. Sandra Bullock in "Hope Floats" tells her daughter, "I'm just an ordinary person, and that's okay, because you make me special." Yep. That rings a lot more true to me than, "God has a plan for my life and it is my mission to fulfill it." Whatever. I think I am a woman of no consequence and that is okay.

Be happy,
Mary