Yesterday I spent the day driving to and from school to attend the annual awards lunch. I was recognized for graduating "with honors." I suppose I should be proud, but it felt really strange not to have "high honors." I was a "high honors" student until the last class period of my last full time semester in school, when the professor didn't like my final assignment and gave it an "F," which lowered my grade from A- to B+, which lowered my gpa to 3.89. I was a 3.90+ student for seven years. C'est la vie.

Then I received a Biblical Interpretation award. Five of those were given. I didn't even know all of the other recipients. Again, it is better to receive that award than not to, but it was disappointing for me that it was the only award I got this year. Oh well. I said I was finishing seminary with a whimper rather than a shout, so it is fitting.

The truth is it just didn't feel that good to be there yesterday. As soon as the event ended I left. I've moved on. That place just isn't about me anymore. I'll attend the dinner tomorrow night and graduation on Saturday, and I'll leave with no regrets and very little grief. It is over and that is okay.

Impermanence

It is probably not a good idea to write a blog post in the middle of the night, but I'm up and I'm here, so here goes.

Impermanence has become a wonderful friend to me. Things that used to grasp at me no longer have such a firm grip. Now I can have more open conversations with them.

"Hello friend book. I remember choosing you at the bookstore and the friend who recommended you. I remember reading you and being changed by you. Perhaps I no longer need you here to help me remember. It may be time for you to be chosen by another and read by another. Be free to bless another life, my friend."

When spoken to kindly like that many of my so-called possessions are relieved of their fervent grip on me. They relax and smile, perhaps for the first time in a very long time. I hadn't noticed the pained look they had adopted from hanging on so tightly. Letting things go is truly a joy.

My years in seminary are among the best years of my life. I have wonderful memories of those people in that place. But, even memories can grasp too tightly for too long. It is time for me to invite those memories to fade, to mellow, and to become something beautiful again. Those moments were right for that time, but clinging too tightly to them will only turn them into a painful loss. Why not set them free?

I can choose to move through this week's graduation events living in the present moment rather than in the past. I can experience them for what they are. There is no need to infuse them with tears that express loss or endings. There is no need to thrust unrealistic expectations upon them.

Life is lived in the present moment. This present moment includes a cat getting a drink, a thunderstorm rumbling outside, a version of myself writing a blog post at a keyboard while another version of myself gets a bit of relief from asthma by sitting up.

The present moment is always full of life, bursting with sights, sounds, tastes, scents, textures, and feelings. Now is only made richer by releasing my grip on yesterday and tomorrow. Or, as Jesus said, "let the day's own troubles be sufficient for the day."
Mary

Un-Imagining Mary

Dear Friends,
I have been writing a lot lately, but not for this blog. I keep re-imagining how I want to use this blog or even if I want it at all. When I started it I wanted to imagine a new life for myself. Now I have a new life and I think the original goal doesn't make sense for a postmodern thinker. I actually should be putting my efforts into un-imagining Mary.

I don't actually believe in the concept of "self." There is no pure concept, memory, thought, or action. Everything is interpretation. Yet, is there a "me" that can be sick or well, in love or rejected, happy or sad? I'm not sure. "Me," at best is a fluid idea.

Lately I've been learning a good deal about Buddhism. Mostly it makes a lot of sense. The one problem I have so far is the concept of reincarnation. How can a self re-incarnate? Makes no sense to me at all. If I'm not Mary now, how could I be Mary in another life when my gender is male and my name is Fred? At best I would then be "Fred." Right? I'll just have to leave that part of Buddhism alone for now.

I have benefited greatly from the concept of impermanence. Everything in life, and all living things are impermanent. I learned that many years ago, but somehow forgot it when things seemed to be so rough the first three months of this year. One simple reminder and life was instantly better. Of course life changes. It is in the nature of life to change.

I thought I was ready to write about this, but it seems to be snagging tonight. I better get some rest. My mind is distracted with several things that are going on tomorrow. Perhaps after that I'll be able to clear my mind enough to write.
Good night,
Mary

The day after Mike broke my heart I met a man. He hasn't called again and I don't mind. For me it was grace, God's little gift to let me know that I am alive, desirable, and moving forward. He was a nice man and we had a nice conversation. There are other nice men. I'll have more nice conversations.
Mary

February 19, 2010. This is the day I begin to think of my life in a whole new way.

Mike is out of my life, just like that. Yesterday morning he called, as always, we chatted while he drove to work, as always, I said, "I am in love with you," and he replied, "I'm glad." He didn't end the call with "I love you." That has never happened before. Never.

My friends said I was overreacting. Men don't always say everything they feel. Yes, I know. But I know my man. I know he had to consciously stop himself from saying it. Why would he do that?

An hour later I dropped him a short email asking if his growing distance was about all the other stuff going on in his life or if it was about me. Honestly, even after the loss of the "I love you" I expected quick reassurance, "No baby, it's not you. I'm just not myself." That is what I expected. That response never came. No response came, all day.

At 3:30 I sent him a text asking if he got my email. At 4:30 he replied that he had, but was thinking about his response. I sent a two word reply: oh shit.

Thursday nights his son goes to a divorce recovery group, so he was home alone for a couple of hours and he called me. "Hi honey," he said with his voice down and rather flat. I asked what was going on and he said it seemed like we were stuck where we are and nothing was ever going to change. He feels like he needs to stay where he is for the best for his son and I need to stay where I am to keep my team of doctors and we'll never be together.

I told him I was willing to talk about that. I could look for a church near him. I was thinking about that anyway. I want to be with him. He got quiet. Finally I asked directly if he wanted me to move to his state and he didn't answer. After a long silence I asked, "Aren't you in love with me any more?" He answered, "No," a short silence, "not like I was before."

I didn't see it coming. He has been withdrawing a bit lately, but he is a moody guy. I told him I was concerned a couple of weeks ago and recommended that he get back on his anti-depressants. He agreed and started taking them again. One day I heard the playfulness back in his voice and I thought things would get better, but then the flatness came back. So, I asked again last night whether he was still taking his meds. He said, yes.

That is basically the last thing he said. I mean, what else is there to say after you have said that you have stopped loving your girlfriend? Twice I asked him to say something to break long silences. He said nothing. Finally I admitted that if he had nothing to say to me there was no reason for me to be on the phone. I told him I love him, and hung up. I have heard nothing from him since then. No call, text, or email. He is gone. Just like that.

Nobody else is surprised. They point out how bumpy our relationship has been from the start. But, from my perspective it is completely unimaginable. Since we got back together last June we have never, ever hinted at any thought of not staying together. Last year's break up just didn't work for either of us, or so I thought. I met several other men, but my love for Mike never dimmed a single bit. I wanted only him. When we got back together I was absolutely sure this was it. We had experimented with splitting up and we just had to be together. We'd do whatever it takes to make it work.

I wasn't surprised to see him down. I've seen that before. I wasn't surprised to see him withdraw, or even to wonder if our being together was ever a realistic idea. We have been there before, too. But he has never, ever said he didn't love me anymore. He has always loved me.

I don't know how to stop loving him so suddenly. My sister asked how I was feeling... afraid, angry, disappointed, what? My only true answer is broken-hearted. I still love my man. I still want my man. I still want the life I imagined with my man. But more than all of that I want to be loved, really loved. He doesn't love me, so there is no point in talking to him or trying to change his mind. I don't want him to stay with me just to protect me from this broken heart. I want to be loved.

Today I bought a digital scale. I thought it would cost more than it did. It was just $30. Since I'm tracking everything I eat I want to also be able to track my weight.

Then something interesting happened. I looked at my old Weight Watchers stuff and found that I had joined on this very date in 2000, ten years ago today. Much to my surprise I have lost 49 lbs. since then.

I've lost 30 since my high last summer, but I was that heavy only a short time. In other words, I gained about 15 lbs. in 2008-09, and finally decided something had to be done about that. So, the first 15 just put me back to "normal." Now I am down 15 more from that. I'm wearing my smallest clothes and can no longer wear my largest.

It is just really hard for me to believe that I used to carry 49 pounds more. Actually, that day ten years ago was not even my high. I never weighed myself at my highest, but I wore two sizes larger than my weight from ten years ago. In other words, I had already lost two sizes when I joined WW. If you figure roughly ten pounds per size I may have lost as much as 70 lb, and I still have about 15 more to go.

It is frightening to think at one time I was perhaps 85 lbs. overweight. It is amazing what can happen to our bodies when we are not paying attention.

I had fun eating healthy today! For breakfast I had a cup of lovely vanilla yogurt with 1/4 cup of Grape Nuts, 1/4 cup of walnuts, and 1/4 cup of blueberries. Yum.

Lunch was red cabbage cooked in chicken broth with a dab of butter and squeeze of lime.

Dinner was 1/2 an acorn squash with a TB Agave Nectar, and crystalized ginger, slivered.

Oh! And I had a serving of M& Ms (not healthy), V8, coffee, water, and I made up my own hot chocolate recipe. To a cup of warm milk I added a heaping TB of unsweetened cocoa and a TB of Agave Nectar. It worked great. I am love, love, loving my Agave Nectar! So glad to have an alternative to sugar or artificial sweeteners.

It is fun to make healthy choices.

Today was financial day. I know that living with stress is a complication to my health goals. I have high blood pressure and way too many chronic problems. Reducing stress is important.

Unfortunately the financial stress hangs around when I procrastinate dealing with it, but dealing with it is also stressful. I'm choosing acute stress over chronic stress. My new motto is Do it Now!

I actually got my taxes filed today. Hooray! I did the FAFSA for both kids today. Hooray! I went through a big pile of paperwork nonsense. Most of it went into the trash, but I also found several scary, stress-building bills. Boo. The good news is the taxes are filed and I'm getting refund soon, so I was able to imagine getting those bills paid and off my desk this month. Hooray.

As much as I would love to spend one day re-ordering my life to be all healthy it just doesn't work that way. I have to get there one baby step at a time, one decision at a time, one day at a time. I made my fiber and water goals today. I de-cluttered a lot of paper. It was a good day even though I feel really sick and stressed.

I also did yoga today. I'm working a comprehensive plan of reducing stress every way I know, supporting my health with food choices, getting enough rest, and getting appropriate exercise. One step at a time I will reach my goals. I think I can. I think I can. I'm a little engine and I can.

Today's health agenda included 37 grams of fiber, 19 "points" on WW, physical therapy, choir practice, and work on the mess I made of my money. Tomorrow I do my taxes and FAFSA! That is a must. It will do more to relieve my stress than anything I can think of.

Meanwhile, I need to figure out how to make at least an additonal $400 per month from now through August. I wonder if there is such a thing as a part time chaplain position open somewhere around here. How would I find it? I'd like to have a job with actual hours that ends in a paycheck. I've done enough work-on-my-own time jobs to hold me for a while. I'd like to have some structure to my day.

That is it for today. Time to get some rest.

Re-Imagining My Health

Hi Chris, and anybody else who happens to read this,
Thanks for staying interested in me. I've been a very poor blogger on this blog, but I expect that to change with this post.

For Christmas I received the book I asked for, Chef MD's Big Book of Culinary Medicine: A Food Lover's Road Map to Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Getting Really Healthy, by John La Puma, M.D., and Rebecca Powel Marx. I decided to read it cover to cover. I'm not finished yet. Meanwhile I'm really excited about new habits that are forming in my daily routines.

I've been crazy sick for a crazy long time, and I'm sick of it. In January I passed my threshold for tolerance of chronic symptoms. I'm done. I can handle chronic illness as well as the next guy, but I am staring down the barrel of my sixth chronic illness diagnosis. That is not acceptable. It is time to face the fact that I am not getting away with ignoring my illnesses and just living life with my mind on other things. I am ill and I am the one who must do something about it.

My doctors have told me it is important that I eat 25 grams of fiber every day and drink plenty of water. I have done that long enough now that I'm getting good at it. Making that one change is making lots of other changes. When I fill up on fiber, like cabbage, I lose weight because I'm not hungry for the weight gaining stuff. So far I've lost 28 lbs. I would like to lose ten more and twenty-five would still be in the healthy range.

So, I will be blogging about what I am doing to become healthier one day at a time. I will be working on my budget, on de-cluttering my home, on making healthy choices in my diet, on eating at home most of the time, on mediation, on exercise, and on serving others. This will be a season of reflection and practice of healthier habits.

I am re-imagining myself and look forward to blogging about it.
Peace to all,
Mary