Dear Friends,
I'm just home from a vacation with my mother and her dog. We had fun driving clear across the country, more than a thousand miles one way, all the way to the ocean. I do love the ocean. In fact, all my life I assumed I like mountains best because my family always went to Colorado for vacation, but now I'm questioning that. I might really enjoy living near enough to a coast to be able to enjoy the beach on a regular basis, but I want a bit of distance from the ravages of hurricaines!

Maybe I could be happy a couple of hours from the coast in North Carolina, Virginia, or Washington state. Then again, both coasts are far from my family, including my kids, for now, anyway. My daughter might move to New York and my son talks a lot about California. If they move far away, hey, I'd just about have to move, too, right? Of course.

Meanwhile, I've been in a huge money mess that I think I finally have done my part to correct. Now it is in the hands of others, so I'll just wait to get the letters telling me how things will come down. Last year I had a lovely fellowship that paid $6000 in cash for the school year. This year that is gone and my disability has been reduced by more than $100 per month, because they claim I was overpaid during the time of my fellowship last year. Sigh.

I officially graduate December 31, 2009, so it is time to look for a job. Nothing has happened yet with the school job I hoped might be created for me, and I'm not sure i want it, anyway. I really miss Mike and I'd like to move closer to him, if possible. I don't want to move before my son gets out of high school in May, though. I'm not quite sure how we'll make ends meet between now and then or what he'll do if I up and move right after he graduates. What a mess.

I guess I'm feeling a little overwhelmed about everything right now. I know the only answer is to walk it out, doing what I can each day. One day at a time I can apply for jobs, create my resume, clean up my house, discard clutter, rest, and take care of myself as best I can. So far I've never actually starved to death. It probably won't happen in the next few months, so I'm fine, really.

That's the news for now. Thanks for reading.
Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. :)

Re-Imagining Possibilities

Dear Friends,
Of course I have been fretting a bit about what I will do with my life after graduation. I have completed all of my masters degree except one credit hour. I could have finished in the summer, of course, but I wouldn't "walk" until May anyway. This way I can work as TA in the Intro to New Testament class one more time. I can never remember how many times I've assisted in that class, but I think this will be my sixth time.

I took the class in spring of 2004, then assisted in fall of 2004, and every fall since, plus one spring. That makes this my seventh time. Whew. I also assisted in another online class one semester. Now, yesterday the assistant dean called me on my cell and asked me to assist a new professor who needs help handling his online class this fall. So, there I was, just eating lunch with my mother, minding my own business, and I got a job. Just like that!

They are paying me $400 at the end of the semester, which will be fantastic. I already get $324 for assisting in the NT class, so I'll get an extra $700 just in time for my daughter's birthday and Christmas! Yay!

Also, since it pays at the end of the semester I don't have to worry about claiming it as income on my disability for Sept-Nov; just December.

All of my life I have just walked through open doors. I can't say I've ever really set a specific goal and worked for it. Others might say I did that with my masters degree, and perhaps I did, but not from my perspective. I just took a chance and enrolled in one class. Step by step over the course of seven years I have accidentally completed my degree.

Now my favorite dream is teaching classes on line through a community college. I'm not sure how to get a foot in the door, but here I am, picking up even more experience teaching on line. I need to figure out how to get a real job. It would be utterly cool if I could start teaching in January, after I officially graduate in December. The idea makes me excited.

I hope I can fall into the next chapter of my life as happily as I fell into this one that is passing by.
Thanks for reading. I'm glad you're here.
Mary

In Recovery

Hi there,
I miss blogging and seem to have a lot on my mind lately, so I'm resurrecting the blog. Since last I saw you Al Anon has saved my life for the second time. I think every human being on the planet should be required to enroll in a recovery group of their choice by the time they are twelve. It seems to me that we are all addicts or co-dependents, but maybe I'm projecting.

In my months back "in recovery" I have noticed that addicts tend toward talking about accountability and they can be rather harsh in their cadid assessments of another's perspective on a problem. I assume it is because that is what they most need. Co-dependents emphasize being kind to ourselves and gentle, reminding ourselves that the goal is progress, not perfection and everything is okay in the now.

I am a co-dependent, never satisfied with my own behavior and rarely satisfied with anyone else's behavior either. I seem be more forgiving of others than of myself, though. I think that is because I just don't care about others all that much. If they aren't doing their best, who cares?

Unfortunately, when I don't do my best I suffer consequences. I get anxiety and physical symptoms of stress. I don't like myself much and I begin unhealthy avoidance behaviors, which of course only magnify the problem. Often I think the answer is to just do my best and avoid the whole ridiculous cycle, but of course, recovery teaches me to just "keep it simple", "keep coming back" and take it "one day at a time." Sigh. I'm trying, really I am. Meanwhile, it is time to go to Al Anon.

I hope to write more regularly here again.
Thanks for reading and please, keep coming back! I'm glad you are here!
Mary

Ice and Yikes

Dear Friends,
We had an ice storm last week that cancelled my classes, so I'll be starting school this week instead. Unfortunately, the professors still think school started last week and I have a ton of homework with some things to actually turn in day after tomorrow! Yikes!

I tried to be excited about this semester. After all, I have two classes with one of my very favorite professors. That part is cool. But I'm drowning already. My anxiety level is very high. I hate that non-specific, body tensing, stuff called anxiety.

I expect to use this blog, in part, to sort through some of the content of my classes. I just had to do a three page journal response to this week's readings in my Art and Practices of Ministry class. It was awful. I did not like either reading and the way they conceive ministry is both foreign and offensive to me. I need to get out! But these three classes and a thesis stand between me and a master's degree, so I must press on! Besides, I took fellowship money for this year, so in a way you could say it is my job to take these classes. I think I owe it to the fellowship and to myself to do good work. I'm just feeling a bit out of my element right now.
Peace,
Mary

Answers

Dear Friends,
I have my answers now. Mike ended it today. It wasn't my imagination that he was pulling away. So we bless each other and move on.

I've never felt comfortable with the practice of never speaking again to anyone, much less someone who has been important in my life. I want to honor the relationship as it was and let it become something else. This time, though, I'm not sure about that. Perhaps this relationship has run the full track of the roller coaster and has come safely into the embark/disembark shelter. It is time to disembark with fond memories of the ride.

Other things will be occupying my mind soon as classes resume this week.
Imagine good things,
Mary

Gifts 2

Dear Friends,
Mike did not get me a Christmas present, though he said he intended to get me... a prayer journal! Imagine that. He said we would exchange gifts when I see him this week. I'm glad I said something, not because the gift is so important, but because my most common love error is to suffer in silence. Whenever I feel hurt or unloved or unlovable I tend to draw into myself and take responsibility for feeling that way and forgive the other person without ever expressing a thing. That is no way to be known. And how can I be loved by someone I don't allow to know me?

I feel differently about gifts today than I did when I posted the other day. I knew even then that material stuff is not the stuff of life and love. But my insecurities arose and I found myself asking the question, Am I being blind and naiive here? Am I creating a fantasy love and ignoring evidence that the real man is not, in fact, in love with me? I ask myself those questions a lot and I don't know the answers.
Mary

Prayer

Dear Friends,
I've been preaching about prayer lately and I have to admit I feel a bit ambivalent about it. There are some real dangers in just assuming prayer is simple and good. One problem is placing the authority of God behind a decision or choice one makes. Ministers are often caught in a cunundrum when a deacon or elder comes to a meeting and announces, "The Lord told me...". Such statements tend to conclude with things like, "we need to buy that property out on the highway." Okay. Well, did God tell you how we should pay for it? The only answer to such pragmatic questions is then, "Trust Him. It'll all work out." Then we get regaled with stories of the elder's uncle whose church made a similar decision to Trust God and how well everything worked out. Again, that is great, but the problem is such things are conversation stoppers. Nobody can raise real questions without exposing her/his lack of faith.

Another potential problem with prayer is the way it can set us up to see God as fickle. We hear stories of how Aunt Maude prayed for her son and his cancer disappeared over night and we wonder why our miracle has not come.

Prayer can set people up to see God as a doting uncle with deep pockets who just waits for you to ask so he can reward you with whatever your heart desires.

The problem with all of these scenerios is, Who would worship such a God? God tells people to take financial risks with the church's money that they would never take with their own. God heals some and leaves others to absolute pain and despair. God is like a slot machine in Vegas, taking in prayers like quarters and every so often answering one with a jackpot. Such a god is theologically disgusting.

But there is something profoundly healing in prayer. Community is built on common prayer. Peace does come in response to the unburdening of confession. Hope does come through prayers offered in hospital waiting rooms. Salvation waits for those who would humble themselves in prayer and ask with open hearts. Who can deny such things?

And so I counsel my congregation to pray while I struggle with it myself. Such is the life of a pastor.
Imagine all things good,
Mary

Gifts

Dear Friends,
I'm afraid Mike didn't get me a present for Christmas and I'm afraid of what that means. Is it possible to love the woman of your dreams and not get her a present for Christmas? Is it possible to be in love without buying something once in a while, at least at Christmas and birthdays? I have a whole collection of presents I got for him while I was Christmas shopping and while I was vacationing in Colorado. I got something for his son. Did he ever get me anything? Does it matter? Should it? Should I let it go? Or does it really mean everything at the end of the day? I honestly don't know. I asked him (by text) but he hasn't answsered me. A friend told me last night that clearly Mike and I don't love each other because love doesn't act like this. Perhaps that friend is right. I just don't know.
Mary

Coins

Dear Friends,
I had coins all over my house, in drawers, collecting dust on my dresser and desk, in little baskets, just wherever. Today I collected them all into a large jar. I wonder how much money is in that jar. There are loads of pennies, of course. But there are also nickles, dimes, quarters, and even at least one dollar coin. There are also coins from France, Germany, and Canada. For good measure I added the $2 bill that I got as a time years ago when I was a waitress.

I can remember searching under the floormats of our car back when I was married, looking for the final $2.40 we needed to pay rent. We actually had to ask someone for two dollars and forty cents to pay our rent. That was awful.

I guess this jar is a symbol of getting my financial shit together in the new year. Next I want to organize my books. I could use a symbol of having my school shit together, too. One step at a time. One day at a time. One symbol at a time. One penny at a time.
Imagine wealth in the new year,
Mary

Woman of No Consequence, #11

Dear Friends,
I watch a lot of movies when I have time. During the break I have watched probably an average of two movies a day. My favorite professor teaches a class on film. He looks for patterns in Biblical texts and looks for similar patterns in film and puts the two into conversation with each other. He is brilliant at it. I've learned a lot about the texts and life from his observations of movies. I'm not so brilliant at it. My two attempts at writing film papers for him resulted in an A- and a B+. Not total disasters, but I'm not exactly a natural. I try.

My problem is I am not detached enough, not scholarly enough to notice the things he notices, like the lighting or the long camera shot or why those colors were used for that scene. I live the stories with the characters.

Embarrassing as it is, one of my favorite films is "The Holiday," starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet (with Jude Law and Jack Black). At one point Kate's character is talking to a charming retired Hollywood writer who tells her she is obviously a "leading lady" and not "the best friend." She says something like, "I should be the leading lady of my own life, for goodness sake!" It seems so obvious, but she is kind of surprised by that idea. I have to admit, I am, too. Am I really the leading lady of my own life?

Today I was watching another film, "My Sassy Girl." During the credits they ran a list of "Woman of No Consequence" listed as #1 through #11. Wow. How would you like to call your mom and say, "I finally made it! I got cast in a film!" She asks what part you got. "I got 'Woman of No Consequence #11.'" Yikes! How awful. I want to watch the film again now and carefully count out each of them and learn their names. Silly, I know. And I won't actually do it. But I feel a sort of obligation to those actresses.

I really do believe Wayne Dyer when he tells me that "what I think about expands." I know I need to think positive things and imagine a wonderful life for myself and those around me. But the truth is, most of the time I feel like "Woman of No Consequence, #11." Yeah, I matter to a couple of people, mostly my kids, but really my life is of no consequence.

I'm not depressed and I don't want to die or anything like that. I'm actually very happy. I just don't seem to matter very much, even to myself. All this talk of finding your purpose or God's plan for your life or whatever just falls flat for me. I'm a person. So what?

This leads me to another line from a film. Sandra Bullock in "Hope Floats" tells her daughter, "I'm just an ordinary person, and that's okay, because you make me special." Yep. That rings a lot more true to me than, "God has a plan for my life and it is my mission to fulfill it." Whatever. I think I am a woman of no consequence and that is okay.

Be happy,
Mary

A Memorable Day

Dear Friends,
Today we got a new president. President Obama is really a welcome shock to the system. I am pleased for us all.

Today I also got a new computer. I logged on this morning as usual, but after a couple of hours my screen went black and that was the end of the dear old Think Pad. I knew that day was coming. Today is actually a good day for it because I have a week to break in a new one before school starts.

I got a Toshiba notebook, which is all well and good. I'm sure I'll love it eventually. I really do not enjoy moving into new technology homes ~ cell phones, computers, cars, whatever. My daughter even gave me an MP3 player she won and I gave it away rather than learn how to use it. I know, I know. Now today I got 50 free song downloads with the purchase of my new computer and I don't have an MP3 player. Whatever.

Now I have to purchase Microsoft Word or whatever. Good grief, I really don't know what I'm doing. I once purchased Microsoft Word for Teachers and Students 2003. Now I don't know where I've put it. I suppose I "need" the 2007 version anyway. The guy at the computer store told me my computer was ready to go right out of the box because everything was pre-loaded. Cool. Well, I still have to buy the 2007 Word thingy. It is loaded, but wouldn't I be better off buying it at the store so I have the CD to upload on my son's computer when he gets it? I'm so confused.

For now I'm going to bed. Sleep well President Obama. Sleep well new Toshiba. It has been a full day! :)
Be Happy,
Mary

Imagination

Dear Friends,
Something amazing has happened. Two of my blog friends have recently "come out" to say that their online personas were total fictions. One created a 78-year-old widower who missed his beloved deeply. Turns out his wife is very much alive. I have no idea how old he is. Guess he is male, though. The other is a married woman who created a fictional married woman who was retirement age and loving life. Both fictional characters were fantastic!

Folks in that particular blogging family are responding with confusion and some (I guess) are angry or feel betrayed or something. I'm not active enough in that blogging world to follow all the threads. Lots of folks are offering support and forgiveness. The whole thing is surreal. I can't imagine why they need support or forgiveness. What they need are book contracts! Both of them are great writers with amazing imaginations!

I am thrilled to know that adults are out there using their imaginations! Good for them! Why is a fiction interpreted as a lie? There is a difference. Anyway, I didn't want to jump into the middle of the fray over there, so I'm writing my thoughts here. How I wish I had such an active imagination. It cracks me up that I am the one with "imagine" in my blog name! Ha! I have so much to learn!
Be happy and imaginative!
Mary

Distractions

Dear Friends,
I've been listening to my Tony Robbins CDs and my Wayne Dyer tapes. I know my life could be "so much more" and I have the tools to make it whatever I want it to be. But I sit here at my computer and read blogs and play computer games. I wonder why? Am I just distracted or do I not know what I want? Or do I need down time? Do I need to play games to keep my mind sharp or to give my thoughts room to develop? I don't know.

It is odd because I don't really think I even like to play games that much. So why do I do it?
Just asking.
Mary

Happy

Dear Friends,
I started this blog because I wanted to challenge myself to imagine good things and not wallow in sadness or negativity. Yet, I was sad and lonely and a little lost. Now I rarely post and seem to have nothing to say. Why? I'm happy. Happiness is boring.

I still want to improve my life. There are so many things about myself, my habits, and my life that I would like to change. Yet, I don't seem to care enough to actually change them. I'm happy.

I have one more week of winter break. School starts January 28 for me. I already have received assignments that are due the first week, so effectively school has started. I'm trying to get myself to read a bit each day so I don't get overwhelmed and don't start the semester already behind. Trying. There is no try. Do or do not. Ha. Mostly I do not read ahead. I did read a few pages yesterday and a few today, but I'll have to step it up.

When I started this blog I had so much to say and was so hungry for new friends. Friendships take time and effort. I've let my new friends down. I haven't kept up my reading and commenting and writing and responding like I thought I would.

Anyway, for what it is worth, I'm glad a few of you read my blog and I do enjoy reading yours. Leave me a link to your blogs if I don't already have it. I want to get to know you. Really, I do.

Happy writing, my friends. Be well.
Mary

About Priorities

Dear Friends,
I'm thinking about priorities. My daughter is going to an expensive college and we are short $1600 from her first semester. I've always assumed my kids were my first priority and that I would do whatever it takes to get them launched in life. But I'm on disability and have limited income. If I make more money than I do now I risk losing Medicare and Medicaid. My daughter was already kicked off Medicaid because she is 19 and not pregnant. My application for a parent PLUS loan was denied because my student loans were forgiven due to my disability. I cannot get any new student loans. I knew that, of course, but never thought about it affecting my ability to help my daughter stay in school.

She is an A student with a bright future and knows what she wants to do with her life. I can't just let her be blocked from continuing her education, but how can I come up with that kind of money ~ both now, and each semester until she graduates? Is making her my priority enough? Did I make a mistake encouraging her to pursue what she desires in life? Should I have taught her to get a job and make her own way instead? That is what my parents taught me. I worked since I was 14, but somehow missed out on the high school experience and never developed a real passion. I want to encourage her. But how?

I want to declutter my house and live in a clean, peaceful, and beautiful home. I've worked on it quite a bit during the school break, but still have a long way to go. Yet, I sit here and play a game on the computer instead of scrubbing floors.

School starts back January 28, which seems so far away, but now is only 18 more days. I have major plans for tomorrow, Monday, and Tuesday, so that brings it to 15 days. I already have two assignments that are due when school starts. So, I need to order my books and get started. Sigh.

My son is growing up so fast. Yesterday we travelled to see him perform at the state conference of high school thespians. His performance was amazing, as was the whole show. He is dating a lovely, adorable girl. He seems to be doing so well, but do I give him enough attention and time? No. Of course not.

I have a meeting on Monday with my "Commission on Ordination." They are going to ask me all sorts of questions about how much God is doing in my life and how sure I am of my call to ministry and ordination. My answers are: "Um... not sure." Not wise to say that, though.

I love Mike desperately, or at least I think I do. Yet I'm desperately unhappy. I want so badly to be in love with a man who loves me (Mike does) AND makes me his priority (Mike doesn't).

So I wake up every morning wondering what is important to me. How should I spend my time and money and resources today? If I knew what I wanted it would sure help.

Imagine a good life,
Mary

Going Home Part 2

Dear Friends,
Going home is much more than theological discomfort. It is also great fun. My sister and I are very close and have been all our lives. It is always fun to hang out with her. If possible we sneak away to lunch at Olive Garden. Doubt we'll have a chance this time because our trip is so short this time. We are supposed to go up there tomorrow and leave Friday, so if we don't go on Christmas Eve we won't make it.

My mom loves to cook and is very good at it. I'm sure we will have great food at her house. We are having Christmas dinner at my brother's house. He has a tradition of ordering Omaha Steak burgers on line and grilling them on Christmas. Yum! We have burgers with all the fixin's, a variety of salads, some kind of beans, and dessert! My little family is bringing dessert this year. My son wants to make raspberry fudge. My daughter is bringing pumpkin pie with whipped cream, and I'm making cranberry stuff. You put a package of frozen cranberries in a pan with a cup of sugar, two cinnamon sticks, and a bit of water (not much), and let it simmer. Mmmm.

My brothers started a tradition of "the big game" (basketball) when they were younger and the kids were kids. Now the kids are teenagers and the uncles are late forties, so the uncles are the last chosen for the teams instead of the first! Ha. But they'll still play if they have a chance, I'm sure. Usually all nine cousins played if they could. Now I think they are down to seven or six that still want to play.

I guess it is mom's cooking that has kept our family together all these years. The cousins are really close, especially the three boys who are now 18, 17, and 17. They play video games on line even though they live in different cities. The six girls communicate mostly on Facebook. Now the oldest cousin is married with a baby, so we are four generations to gather for Christmas. When we are together all the generations often do a jigsaw puzzle and play board games, especially "Ticket to Ride." We call it "the train game."

The day after Christmas is cousin shopping day and my generation sneaks off to the movies. My mom gives each grandchild an invitation to lunch as their annual Christmas present. Normally the cousins get together and search the internet for restaurant reviews, picking out where they want to go this year. Each kid gets to pick the restaurant of his/her choice, but they like to go in groups. So, the week between Christmas and New Year's usually finds mom taking a handful of kids to lunch at least two or three different days. This year all of this will be different as most of us are leaving on the 26th. We have a lot of traditions to fit into just Christmas Eve and Christmas day.

Going home is really a lot of fun and I'm looking forward to it. After all, church isn't everything.
Imagine a wonderful holiday break everyone,
Mary

Going Home

Dear Friends,
I have changed. I change all the time. I suppose we all do. Entering seminary "should" have made me even more into the image of my family. I followed in the footsteps of so many who have gone before me. We should be able to converse easily with one another, using the secret language of the initiate. But, no. I embraced what they resisted. I have resisted what they embraced.

Once I had the great joy to attend a lecture given by my professor to a group of clergy that included a member of my family. This professor is well respected in his field and has published some 14 books or more. He earned his PhD forty years ago and has continued to read and study and write ever since. The man knows his stuff and I adore him. I leaped for joy, literally, when he asked me to serve as his research assistant. I have now been his RA for nearly five years. I've read most of his books, but one in particular changed my life forever. Here is the moment when my two worlds meet and the golden gate is opened for me to enter into the heart of my own family. He rises and speaks with such wisdom and grace, intelligence and plain old knowledge gained from so many years of disciplined work. We come to the first break and I seek out my family member and eagerly ask, "What did you think?" The reply, "Well, I disagreed with everything he said, but other than that it was okay, I guess." This family member then turned away from me and walked away.

Not long after that my mother was invited to do a workshop at a church in the town where I live. One of my friends is the minister of that church. He and I have coffee and conversations as often as our schedules allow. I admire him greatly and we talk easily about all things God and church. Actually, he heard about Mom's workshop from some other source, not from me, but when he found out she was my mother he was delighted. The day came for their first planning meeting and my mother introduced herself by distancing herself from me. "Nice to meet you," she said. "You need to know that I am nowhere near as liberal as my daughter." Thanks Mom.

I followed in the family footsteps but they led me away from them instead of to them. How can that be? And so I return "home" for Christmas, to attend church with loved ones who want nothing to do with me theologically. I should worship with them knowing they disapprove of me. Every other member of my family will participate in worship by singing in the band or reading scripture or serving communion or preaching. Not me. I will sit alone and observe worship as one with her nose pressed against the glass, too little and too late to enter into the joy of the family. Yet it would insult them if I were to choose to worship with people who embrace me on that holy night. Ah, is there room at the inn for me? Perhaps I should just make a pallet in the stable out back. Good enough, eh?

Sorry, no I do not think I am the Christ child. But somehow I feel an affinity for the predicament of being called for a mandatory appearance only to find there is no room for you there. And unto us a child is born. Unto us a son is given.
Imagine peace, hope, love, and joy with me. Would you?
Mary

Significantly Dissimilar

Dear Friends,
As part of my requirements for ordination I had to see an especially selected psychologist for a psych eval. The Regional Office (ordination authority) has an on-going relationship with this guy and they send all their candidates to him for evaluation. He uses the normal battery of tests and adds one or two at the Region's request. Mostly though, the difference between this psych eval and any other is that it is specifically designed to measure aptitude and fitness for ministry. The whole ordeal took three visits and a total of about six hours, I think. I tested for three hours, was interviewed for one hour and came back for another two hours to get my results. This, of course, also involved a lot of interaction, which was then considered for the final report.

I just pulled out the reports so I can write about it here, but what I remember without looking is this. He said my profile was "significantly dissimilar" from the cohort of successful female Protestant ministers. This cohort is determined by surveys sent to ministers who self report and also report on their colleagues. "Successful" means they are happy and satisfied in their work and their colleagues name them as successful. Something like that. He wrote in my report, "career satisfaction in congregational ministry cannot be predicted, nor can persistence in that career." Oh, and he said I "somatize distress." I think that is psycho-babble for "she is a hypochondriac." No place in the report did he mention that I reported having been diagnosed with narcolepsy, a neurological disorder, and that I am under the care of a physician. Whatever.

My Meyers-Briggs was INTP. I already knew that. What I didn't know was how severe are my introversion and intuitive proclivities. I scored: Introversion, very clear, 26 (out of 30); Intuition, very clear, 30; Thinking, clear, 16; Perceiving, clear, 23. He said that they have found that people who score that high on N, intuition, tended to have trouble noticing reality around them. They tend to "have their heads in the clouds," or be the "absent-minded professor" type. Yep. That's me.

The Strong Interest Inventory uses a 65 pt. scale. Don't ask me why. This is the "similar" or "dissimilar" test, comparing my inventory to a cohort of those who are considered satisfied and successful in that career. I scored 63 on "Editor," 61 on "Graphic Designer," 60 each on "Technical Writer" and "Translator," 59 each on "Librarian" and "Photographer," 58 on "Musician," 52 on "University Professor," etc. The score this guy was interested in was "Minister." I scored 20.

Do you think I should re-think my career choice? Yeah, technical writer/editor looks like the right fit for me, but here I am finishing a masters of divinity degree. Sometimes life is funny. One Day at a Time... Take it Easy... Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... . I seem to live by the Alanon slogans.

A couple of things make me hesitate to chuck ministry. First, my little church has stood by me and made my seminary education possible. They believe in me and think I'm a pretty swell minister. Second, I do the ministry the cohort of satisfied female Protestant ministers do not do. I allow people their pain and disappointment without promising them a rose garden if they will be baptized in my church and then tithe. Or at least tithe. Tithe means give 10% of your income to the church. It is based on the tax code of the Hebrew Bible (Old Testament). Yeah. Tax code.

I am not personally offended by people who smell bad, have missing or black teeth, can't keep a job, spend their money inappropriately, get drunk or high, or practice promiscuous sex. Nor do I think it is my job to save them from such things. I feel no need to make them my best friends. I don't have any illusions about becoming their savior... from themselves, from hell, from an abusive marriage, or from anything else. Healing and growth are normal parts of human experience, as are sickness, dysfunction, and self-destruction. Jesus said, "Do not judge." Now that is a simple enough directive, isn't it? Yet, the cohort of successful ministers spend their lives doing just that. Excuse me, that was rude. I should not speak for a cohort I do not represent. But it sure seems to me that much of what we assume ministry is about is making people better in some sense.

I certainly hope that folks who listen to me preach and teach and who receive my ministry gifts will benefit by those experiences, but I am not responsible for seeing to it that they change. I am not there to diagnose their ills and straighten them out. And I absolutely do not think that adopting American cultural Christianity is the answer to everything from depression to alcoholism to cancer. "What would Jesus do?" Hmmm. He didn't baptize folks. He didn't accept money for healing them. He didn't tell them to meet Victorian sexual ethics. Seems to me that he ate with them, healed them, blessed them, forgave them, encouraged them with parables, and sent them on their way. Why can't we do that in the church and call it ministry?

Yeah. I'm "significantly dissimilar." God bless them. God bless me.
Imagine a good life,
Mary

Scandalous Christmas

Dear Friends,
It is time to read the nativity stories in the gospels of the New Testament, and guess what? Only two of the four are interested in his birth and they tell contradictory stories. In other words, we have no historical evidence of anything about his birth, except his mother's name was likely Mariam (same as Moses' sister), and she was unmarried at the time of his conception, but married Joseph later. It is unclear why he is not named as son of Joseph in the literature.

Adoption was common and even admirable in the ancient world. Caesar Augustus' name was Octavius and he was adopted by Julius. Julius was assassinated when Octavius was only 17 years old and he raised an army to defeat Antony and Cleopatra for the succession to the throne. One of Octavian's names was "son of god" ~ which was taken literally as Julius had been declared a god by the Roman senate. Oh, Greek uses different case endings on names, so you have Octavius in the nominative and Octavian in the accusative. In Greek the genitive would actually be "of Octavius" and the form is "tou Octaviou," but it doesn't work in English. Did you care? Of course not.

The point is that adoption was common and a sign of honor bestowed on the adopted son. In other words, Julius saw something remarkable in Octavius and brought him into his own lineage. If Joseph adopted Jesus we have no evidence of it. Infants were rarely adopted. The gospel of Matthew does say that Joseph named the child, so that is actually a claim of paternity. So the big question is, why is Jesus known as Jesus son of Mary or Jesus of Nazareth, but not Jesus bar Joseph? Honestly it makes no sense.

Place names were normally used either for the very famous (Herod of Judea) or the very common ~ slaves. Slaves didn't really have family names, or often their family name was lost as they entered slavery, so they became "John of Bethlehem" or whatever. Why didn't Jesus have a family name? We simply do not know the answer to that question. Actually, we don't even know for sure that he wasn't called Jesus bar Joseph during his life. We simply don't have literary evidence of it. The gospel writers do not call him that. I wonder why?

Matthew does the geneaolgy from Abraham through David to Joseph, but even Mattew doesn't use the name Jesus son of Joseph. Odd, huh? Also, take a look at the geneaology. He includes four women. That is really shocking in the ancient world. And the women he includes are not Sarah (Abraham's wife), or Rebecca, or Rachel and Leah (wives of Isaac and Jacob). They are scandolous women, all. The first is Tamar who slept with her father-in-law in order to produce an heir for her dead husband. The second is Rahab, the prostitute that helped the Israelite spies. The third is Ruth, a Moabite woman taken by Boaz after her husband Mahlon died, and finally "the wife of Uriah." We know her as Bathsheba, but Matthew wants to remind his hearers that she was someone else's wife when David took her. We have two foreign wives (Rahab and Ruth) and two sexually tainted wives (Tamar and Bathsheba). Then Matthew goes out of his way to spell out for us: Joseph is not the daddy!

Why do you suppose Matthew wants to begin his gospel in such a scandalous way? Just who did this savior come to save? The gospel ends with a call to "go and make disciples of the ethne." Ethne in Greek is a scandal word; it is a derogatory word for "those folks." In a world of inside group/outside group it was a bad word, a slang word, actually. My weak attempt at translating that would be, "go make students of the scum of the earth."

I find it exciting to worship a god who comes through scandalous women to live among and serve the scum, don't you? O Come, O Come Emmanuel ~ Come little one who is the flesh of God ~ God with us!
Merry Christmas,
Mary

Today

Dear Friends,
I've puzzled and puzzled and my puzzler is sore in trying to decide how to approach this blog. I give up. I'm just going to write and see what happens.

Graduation is looming large, even though it is a year and a half away. What am I going to do with my graduate degree and my empty nest? Shall I move to Michael's town, serve a church there, and see if we can make a life together? Shall I stay right here, keep my disability and my little church, keep my public housing apartment as long as I can so the kids will have "home" to come home to, and maybe write a book or start on a doctorate? Shall I start applying for a PhD program now and write a thesis to complete my master's degree? Where is the "hide under the covers" option?

Mike is working diligently toward applying to the police academy. He should be ready to apply next summer, but who knows how all the timing will work out. If he gets in, he should be finished with the basic school stuff by the time I graduate, but of course there are a couple of years of riding with someone and all that. He is building his life in his town and the whole thing assumes he will rely on his parents every single day to be there to help raise N. He is not designing a family life for the three of us. He thinks he is. Maybe he is. I don't know. I don't know how to sort through all of this. When he kisses me it is electric and I never want it to stop, but can I/should I move away from my kids to leap head first into his world where his mother is the center of all things?

I love writing and reading and doing research. A friend sent me his thesis yesterday and I need to read it soon and send him my notes. I love it when people trust me like that. This thesis is for his Doctor of Ministry degree and he apologized to me that it might not meet my standards! Ha! I haven't even finished my master's degree yet. He has the degree I'm working on, plus ten years as senior minister of a growing church. Yes, a growing church! That is very rare in our denomination!!! Still, he thinks my standards are too high for him. Wow, that blows my mind.

I wish I knew how to get into a job that pays steady and requires me to read and edit and comment all day. What degree is needed for that kind of work? Does anybody hire editors? I see that title around. How does one get that job? Would they want me? Would I be good at it?

I know about poverty, food stamps, medicaid, and housing. I know about disability, illness, weakness, and being blamed for one's own illness in our society. I know about rejection from family for not being Republican, marrying the right guy, owning a house, and loving the Lord ~ oh, and being healthy. I know what it is to lie on the floor completely helpless hoping someone I trust will come along and help me and also hoping most people will ignore me and leave me alone. I know that life is messy and hard and wonderful. I know that making meaning in certain moments shapes our lives, so I am able to do a wedding for a couple I already "know" will divorce. The wedding is a part of their story and it is valuable even if it is not the beginning of a whole life together. It may only be for a brief season of just a few months, but it is significant to them and should be blessed. Similarly I know how to do a funeral for an alcoholic man who abused his family and could not hold a job. I know how to sit with that family and help them make meaning of what it is to love someone like that, and to say good-bye with a certain sense of relief that it is finally over. I know how to listen to an immigrant who has been disrespected by the same police officer that rescued my neighbor's little girl from a very dangerous man once. I know how to appreciate that officer while not excusing his racism/classism/patriotism.

What can I do with my particular experiences, education, and gifts? All of my interests seem to point toward the abject and forgotten of society. There is no money in working with or advocating for folks like that. I have debt and I've been poor for a very long time. It would be so much easier to take a church position somewhere for a $42,000/year package and just live. But would it really be life for me? Or do I need to remain among my hardworking, heart-breaking, poor peers?

I don't know.
Thanks for reading, y'all. I do appreciate you making room for me in the blog world. I hope to post more frequently now. Life is good, if confusing and difficult at times.
Be well and happy,
Mary