Yesterday I spent the day driving to and from school to attend the annual awards lunch. I was recognized for graduating "with honors." I suppose I should be proud, but it felt really strange not to have "high honors." I was a "high honors" student until the last class period of my last full time semester in school, when the professor didn't like my final assignment and gave it an "F," which lowered my grade from A- to B+, which lowered my gpa to 3.89. I was a 3.90+ student for seven years. C'est la vie.

Then I received a Biblical Interpretation award. Five of those were given. I didn't even know all of the other recipients. Again, it is better to receive that award than not to, but it was disappointing for me that it was the only award I got this year. Oh well. I said I was finishing seminary with a whimper rather than a shout, so it is fitting.

The truth is it just didn't feel that good to be there yesterday. As soon as the event ended I left. I've moved on. That place just isn't about me anymore. I'll attend the dinner tomorrow night and graduation on Saturday, and I'll leave with no regrets and very little grief. It is over and that is okay.

Impermanence

It is probably not a good idea to write a blog post in the middle of the night, but I'm up and I'm here, so here goes.

Impermanence has become a wonderful friend to me. Things that used to grasp at me no longer have such a firm grip. Now I can have more open conversations with them.

"Hello friend book. I remember choosing you at the bookstore and the friend who recommended you. I remember reading you and being changed by you. Perhaps I no longer need you here to help me remember. It may be time for you to be chosen by another and read by another. Be free to bless another life, my friend."

When spoken to kindly like that many of my so-called possessions are relieved of their fervent grip on me. They relax and smile, perhaps for the first time in a very long time. I hadn't noticed the pained look they had adopted from hanging on so tightly. Letting things go is truly a joy.

My years in seminary are among the best years of my life. I have wonderful memories of those people in that place. But, even memories can grasp too tightly for too long. It is time for me to invite those memories to fade, to mellow, and to become something beautiful again. Those moments were right for that time, but clinging too tightly to them will only turn them into a painful loss. Why not set them free?

I can choose to move through this week's graduation events living in the present moment rather than in the past. I can experience them for what they are. There is no need to infuse them with tears that express loss or endings. There is no need to thrust unrealistic expectations upon them.

Life is lived in the present moment. This present moment includes a cat getting a drink, a thunderstorm rumbling outside, a version of myself writing a blog post at a keyboard while another version of myself gets a bit of relief from asthma by sitting up.

The present moment is always full of life, bursting with sights, sounds, tastes, scents, textures, and feelings. Now is only made richer by releasing my grip on yesterday and tomorrow. Or, as Jesus said, "let the day's own troubles be sufficient for the day."
Mary

Un-Imagining Mary

Dear Friends,
I have been writing a lot lately, but not for this blog. I keep re-imagining how I want to use this blog or even if I want it at all. When I started it I wanted to imagine a new life for myself. Now I have a new life and I think the original goal doesn't make sense for a postmodern thinker. I actually should be putting my efforts into un-imagining Mary.

I don't actually believe in the concept of "self." There is no pure concept, memory, thought, or action. Everything is interpretation. Yet, is there a "me" that can be sick or well, in love or rejected, happy or sad? I'm not sure. "Me," at best is a fluid idea.

Lately I've been learning a good deal about Buddhism. Mostly it makes a lot of sense. The one problem I have so far is the concept of reincarnation. How can a self re-incarnate? Makes no sense to me at all. If I'm not Mary now, how could I be Mary in another life when my gender is male and my name is Fred? At best I would then be "Fred." Right? I'll just have to leave that part of Buddhism alone for now.

I have benefited greatly from the concept of impermanence. Everything in life, and all living things are impermanent. I learned that many years ago, but somehow forgot it when things seemed to be so rough the first three months of this year. One simple reminder and life was instantly better. Of course life changes. It is in the nature of life to change.

I thought I was ready to write about this, but it seems to be snagging tonight. I better get some rest. My mind is distracted with several things that are going on tomorrow. Perhaps after that I'll be able to clear my mind enough to write.
Good night,
Mary

The day after Mike broke my heart I met a man. He hasn't called again and I don't mind. For me it was grace, God's little gift to let me know that I am alive, desirable, and moving forward. He was a nice man and we had a nice conversation. There are other nice men. I'll have more nice conversations.
Mary

February 19, 2010. This is the day I begin to think of my life in a whole new way.

Mike is out of my life, just like that. Yesterday morning he called, as always, we chatted while he drove to work, as always, I said, "I am in love with you," and he replied, "I'm glad." He didn't end the call with "I love you." That has never happened before. Never.

My friends said I was overreacting. Men don't always say everything they feel. Yes, I know. But I know my man. I know he had to consciously stop himself from saying it. Why would he do that?

An hour later I dropped him a short email asking if his growing distance was about all the other stuff going on in his life or if it was about me. Honestly, even after the loss of the "I love you" I expected quick reassurance, "No baby, it's not you. I'm just not myself." That is what I expected. That response never came. No response came, all day.

At 3:30 I sent him a text asking if he got my email. At 4:30 he replied that he had, but was thinking about his response. I sent a two word reply: oh shit.

Thursday nights his son goes to a divorce recovery group, so he was home alone for a couple of hours and he called me. "Hi honey," he said with his voice down and rather flat. I asked what was going on and he said it seemed like we were stuck where we are and nothing was ever going to change. He feels like he needs to stay where he is for the best for his son and I need to stay where I am to keep my team of doctors and we'll never be together.

I told him I was willing to talk about that. I could look for a church near him. I was thinking about that anyway. I want to be with him. He got quiet. Finally I asked directly if he wanted me to move to his state and he didn't answer. After a long silence I asked, "Aren't you in love with me any more?" He answered, "No," a short silence, "not like I was before."

I didn't see it coming. He has been withdrawing a bit lately, but he is a moody guy. I told him I was concerned a couple of weeks ago and recommended that he get back on his anti-depressants. He agreed and started taking them again. One day I heard the playfulness back in his voice and I thought things would get better, but then the flatness came back. So, I asked again last night whether he was still taking his meds. He said, yes.

That is basically the last thing he said. I mean, what else is there to say after you have said that you have stopped loving your girlfriend? Twice I asked him to say something to break long silences. He said nothing. Finally I admitted that if he had nothing to say to me there was no reason for me to be on the phone. I told him I love him, and hung up. I have heard nothing from him since then. No call, text, or email. He is gone. Just like that.

Nobody else is surprised. They point out how bumpy our relationship has been from the start. But, from my perspective it is completely unimaginable. Since we got back together last June we have never, ever hinted at any thought of not staying together. Last year's break up just didn't work for either of us, or so I thought. I met several other men, but my love for Mike never dimmed a single bit. I wanted only him. When we got back together I was absolutely sure this was it. We had experimented with splitting up and we just had to be together. We'd do whatever it takes to make it work.

I wasn't surprised to see him down. I've seen that before. I wasn't surprised to see him withdraw, or even to wonder if our being together was ever a realistic idea. We have been there before, too. But he has never, ever said he didn't love me anymore. He has always loved me.

I don't know how to stop loving him so suddenly. My sister asked how I was feeling... afraid, angry, disappointed, what? My only true answer is broken-hearted. I still love my man. I still want my man. I still want the life I imagined with my man. But more than all of that I want to be loved, really loved. He doesn't love me, so there is no point in talking to him or trying to change his mind. I don't want him to stay with me just to protect me from this broken heart. I want to be loved.

Today I bought a digital scale. I thought it would cost more than it did. It was just $30. Since I'm tracking everything I eat I want to also be able to track my weight.

Then something interesting happened. I looked at my old Weight Watchers stuff and found that I had joined on this very date in 2000, ten years ago today. Much to my surprise I have lost 49 lbs. since then.

I've lost 30 since my high last summer, but I was that heavy only a short time. In other words, I gained about 15 lbs. in 2008-09, and finally decided something had to be done about that. So, the first 15 just put me back to "normal." Now I am down 15 more from that. I'm wearing my smallest clothes and can no longer wear my largest.

It is just really hard for me to believe that I used to carry 49 pounds more. Actually, that day ten years ago was not even my high. I never weighed myself at my highest, but I wore two sizes larger than my weight from ten years ago. In other words, I had already lost two sizes when I joined WW. If you figure roughly ten pounds per size I may have lost as much as 70 lb, and I still have about 15 more to go.

It is frightening to think at one time I was perhaps 85 lbs. overweight. It is amazing what can happen to our bodies when we are not paying attention.

I had fun eating healthy today! For breakfast I had a cup of lovely vanilla yogurt with 1/4 cup of Grape Nuts, 1/4 cup of walnuts, and 1/4 cup of blueberries. Yum.

Lunch was red cabbage cooked in chicken broth with a dab of butter and squeeze of lime.

Dinner was 1/2 an acorn squash with a TB Agave Nectar, and crystalized ginger, slivered.

Oh! And I had a serving of M& Ms (not healthy), V8, coffee, water, and I made up my own hot chocolate recipe. To a cup of warm milk I added a heaping TB of unsweetened cocoa and a TB of Agave Nectar. It worked great. I am love, love, loving my Agave Nectar! So glad to have an alternative to sugar or artificial sweeteners.

It is fun to make healthy choices.

Today was financial day. I know that living with stress is a complication to my health goals. I have high blood pressure and way too many chronic problems. Reducing stress is important.

Unfortunately the financial stress hangs around when I procrastinate dealing with it, but dealing with it is also stressful. I'm choosing acute stress over chronic stress. My new motto is Do it Now!

I actually got my taxes filed today. Hooray! I did the FAFSA for both kids today. Hooray! I went through a big pile of paperwork nonsense. Most of it went into the trash, but I also found several scary, stress-building bills. Boo. The good news is the taxes are filed and I'm getting refund soon, so I was able to imagine getting those bills paid and off my desk this month. Hooray.

As much as I would love to spend one day re-ordering my life to be all healthy it just doesn't work that way. I have to get there one baby step at a time, one decision at a time, one day at a time. I made my fiber and water goals today. I de-cluttered a lot of paper. It was a good day even though I feel really sick and stressed.

I also did yoga today. I'm working a comprehensive plan of reducing stress every way I know, supporting my health with food choices, getting enough rest, and getting appropriate exercise. One step at a time I will reach my goals. I think I can. I think I can. I'm a little engine and I can.

Today's health agenda included 37 grams of fiber, 19 "points" on WW, physical therapy, choir practice, and work on the mess I made of my money. Tomorrow I do my taxes and FAFSA! That is a must. It will do more to relieve my stress than anything I can think of.

Meanwhile, I need to figure out how to make at least an additonal $400 per month from now through August. I wonder if there is such a thing as a part time chaplain position open somewhere around here. How would I find it? I'd like to have a job with actual hours that ends in a paycheck. I've done enough work-on-my-own time jobs to hold me for a while. I'd like to have some structure to my day.

That is it for today. Time to get some rest.

Re-Imagining My Health

Hi Chris, and anybody else who happens to read this,
Thanks for staying interested in me. I've been a very poor blogger on this blog, but I expect that to change with this post.

For Christmas I received the book I asked for, Chef MD's Big Book of Culinary Medicine: A Food Lover's Road Map to Losing Weight, Preventing Disease, and Getting Really Healthy, by John La Puma, M.D., and Rebecca Powel Marx. I decided to read it cover to cover. I'm not finished yet. Meanwhile I'm really excited about new habits that are forming in my daily routines.

I've been crazy sick for a crazy long time, and I'm sick of it. In January I passed my threshold for tolerance of chronic symptoms. I'm done. I can handle chronic illness as well as the next guy, but I am staring down the barrel of my sixth chronic illness diagnosis. That is not acceptable. It is time to face the fact that I am not getting away with ignoring my illnesses and just living life with my mind on other things. I am ill and I am the one who must do something about it.

My doctors have told me it is important that I eat 25 grams of fiber every day and drink plenty of water. I have done that long enough now that I'm getting good at it. Making that one change is making lots of other changes. When I fill up on fiber, like cabbage, I lose weight because I'm not hungry for the weight gaining stuff. So far I've lost 28 lbs. I would like to lose ten more and twenty-five would still be in the healthy range.

So, I will be blogging about what I am doing to become healthier one day at a time. I will be working on my budget, on de-cluttering my home, on making healthy choices in my diet, on eating at home most of the time, on mediation, on exercise, and on serving others. This will be a season of reflection and practice of healthier habits.

I am re-imagining myself and look forward to blogging about it.
Peace to all,
Mary

Dear Friends,
I'm just home from a vacation with my mother and her dog. We had fun driving clear across the country, more than a thousand miles one way, all the way to the ocean. I do love the ocean. In fact, all my life I assumed I like mountains best because my family always went to Colorado for vacation, but now I'm questioning that. I might really enjoy living near enough to a coast to be able to enjoy the beach on a regular basis, but I want a bit of distance from the ravages of hurricaines!

Maybe I could be happy a couple of hours from the coast in North Carolina, Virginia, or Washington state. Then again, both coasts are far from my family, including my kids, for now, anyway. My daughter might move to New York and my son talks a lot about California. If they move far away, hey, I'd just about have to move, too, right? Of course.

Meanwhile, I've been in a huge money mess that I think I finally have done my part to correct. Now it is in the hands of others, so I'll just wait to get the letters telling me how things will come down. Last year I had a lovely fellowship that paid $6000 in cash for the school year. This year that is gone and my disability has been reduced by more than $100 per month, because they claim I was overpaid during the time of my fellowship last year. Sigh.

I officially graduate December 31, 2009, so it is time to look for a job. Nothing has happened yet with the school job I hoped might be created for me, and I'm not sure i want it, anyway. I really miss Mike and I'd like to move closer to him, if possible. I don't want to move before my son gets out of high school in May, though. I'm not quite sure how we'll make ends meet between now and then or what he'll do if I up and move right after he graduates. What a mess.

I guess I'm feeling a little overwhelmed about everything right now. I know the only answer is to walk it out, doing what I can each day. One day at a time I can apply for jobs, create my resume, clean up my house, discard clutter, rest, and take care of myself as best I can. So far I've never actually starved to death. It probably won't happen in the next few months, so I'm fine, really.

That's the news for now. Thanks for reading.
Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way. :)

Re-Imagining Possibilities

Dear Friends,
Of course I have been fretting a bit about what I will do with my life after graduation. I have completed all of my masters degree except one credit hour. I could have finished in the summer, of course, but I wouldn't "walk" until May anyway. This way I can work as TA in the Intro to New Testament class one more time. I can never remember how many times I've assisted in that class, but I think this will be my sixth time.

I took the class in spring of 2004, then assisted in fall of 2004, and every fall since, plus one spring. That makes this my seventh time. Whew. I also assisted in another online class one semester. Now, yesterday the assistant dean called me on my cell and asked me to assist a new professor who needs help handling his online class this fall. So, there I was, just eating lunch with my mother, minding my own business, and I got a job. Just like that!

They are paying me $400 at the end of the semester, which will be fantastic. I already get $324 for assisting in the NT class, so I'll get an extra $700 just in time for my daughter's birthday and Christmas! Yay!

Also, since it pays at the end of the semester I don't have to worry about claiming it as income on my disability for Sept-Nov; just December.

All of my life I have just walked through open doors. I can't say I've ever really set a specific goal and worked for it. Others might say I did that with my masters degree, and perhaps I did, but not from my perspective. I just took a chance and enrolled in one class. Step by step over the course of seven years I have accidentally completed my degree.

Now my favorite dream is teaching classes on line through a community college. I'm not sure how to get a foot in the door, but here I am, picking up even more experience teaching on line. I need to figure out how to get a real job. It would be utterly cool if I could start teaching in January, after I officially graduate in December. The idea makes me excited.

I hope I can fall into the next chapter of my life as happily as I fell into this one that is passing by.
Thanks for reading. I'm glad you're here.
Mary

In Recovery

Hi there,
I miss blogging and seem to have a lot on my mind lately, so I'm resurrecting the blog. Since last I saw you Al Anon has saved my life for the second time. I think every human being on the planet should be required to enroll in a recovery group of their choice by the time they are twelve. It seems to me that we are all addicts or co-dependents, but maybe I'm projecting.

In my months back "in recovery" I have noticed that addicts tend toward talking about accountability and they can be rather harsh in their cadid assessments of another's perspective on a problem. I assume it is because that is what they most need. Co-dependents emphasize being kind to ourselves and gentle, reminding ourselves that the goal is progress, not perfection and everything is okay in the now.

I am a co-dependent, never satisfied with my own behavior and rarely satisfied with anyone else's behavior either. I seem be more forgiving of others than of myself, though. I think that is because I just don't care about others all that much. If they aren't doing their best, who cares?

Unfortunately, when I don't do my best I suffer consequences. I get anxiety and physical symptoms of stress. I don't like myself much and I begin unhealthy avoidance behaviors, which of course only magnify the problem. Often I think the answer is to just do my best and avoid the whole ridiculous cycle, but of course, recovery teaches me to just "keep it simple", "keep coming back" and take it "one day at a time." Sigh. I'm trying, really I am. Meanwhile, it is time to go to Al Anon.

I hope to write more regularly here again.
Thanks for reading and please, keep coming back! I'm glad you are here!
Mary

Ice and Yikes

Dear Friends,
We had an ice storm last week that cancelled my classes, so I'll be starting school this week instead. Unfortunately, the professors still think school started last week and I have a ton of homework with some things to actually turn in day after tomorrow! Yikes!

I tried to be excited about this semester. After all, I have two classes with one of my very favorite professors. That part is cool. But I'm drowning already. My anxiety level is very high. I hate that non-specific, body tensing, stuff called anxiety.

I expect to use this blog, in part, to sort through some of the content of my classes. I just had to do a three page journal response to this week's readings in my Art and Practices of Ministry class. It was awful. I did not like either reading and the way they conceive ministry is both foreign and offensive to me. I need to get out! But these three classes and a thesis stand between me and a master's degree, so I must press on! Besides, I took fellowship money for this year, so in a way you could say it is my job to take these classes. I think I owe it to the fellowship and to myself to do good work. I'm just feeling a bit out of my element right now.
Peace,
Mary

Answers

Dear Friends,
I have my answers now. Mike ended it today. It wasn't my imagination that he was pulling away. So we bless each other and move on.

I've never felt comfortable with the practice of never speaking again to anyone, much less someone who has been important in my life. I want to honor the relationship as it was and let it become something else. This time, though, I'm not sure about that. Perhaps this relationship has run the full track of the roller coaster and has come safely into the embark/disembark shelter. It is time to disembark with fond memories of the ride.

Other things will be occupying my mind soon as classes resume this week.
Imagine good things,
Mary

Gifts 2

Dear Friends,
Mike did not get me a Christmas present, though he said he intended to get me... a prayer journal! Imagine that. He said we would exchange gifts when I see him this week. I'm glad I said something, not because the gift is so important, but because my most common love error is to suffer in silence. Whenever I feel hurt or unloved or unlovable I tend to draw into myself and take responsibility for feeling that way and forgive the other person without ever expressing a thing. That is no way to be known. And how can I be loved by someone I don't allow to know me?

I feel differently about gifts today than I did when I posted the other day. I knew even then that material stuff is not the stuff of life and love. But my insecurities arose and I found myself asking the question, Am I being blind and naiive here? Am I creating a fantasy love and ignoring evidence that the real man is not, in fact, in love with me? I ask myself those questions a lot and I don't know the answers.
Mary

Prayer

Dear Friends,
I've been preaching about prayer lately and I have to admit I feel a bit ambivalent about it. There are some real dangers in just assuming prayer is simple and good. One problem is placing the authority of God behind a decision or choice one makes. Ministers are often caught in a cunundrum when a deacon or elder comes to a meeting and announces, "The Lord told me...". Such statements tend to conclude with things like, "we need to buy that property out on the highway." Okay. Well, did God tell you how we should pay for it? The only answer to such pragmatic questions is then, "Trust Him. It'll all work out." Then we get regaled with stories of the elder's uncle whose church made a similar decision to Trust God and how well everything worked out. Again, that is great, but the problem is such things are conversation stoppers. Nobody can raise real questions without exposing her/his lack of faith.

Another potential problem with prayer is the way it can set us up to see God as fickle. We hear stories of how Aunt Maude prayed for her son and his cancer disappeared over night and we wonder why our miracle has not come.

Prayer can set people up to see God as a doting uncle with deep pockets who just waits for you to ask so he can reward you with whatever your heart desires.

The problem with all of these scenerios is, Who would worship such a God? God tells people to take financial risks with the church's money that they would never take with their own. God heals some and leaves others to absolute pain and despair. God is like a slot machine in Vegas, taking in prayers like quarters and every so often answering one with a jackpot. Such a god is theologically disgusting.

But there is something profoundly healing in prayer. Community is built on common prayer. Peace does come in response to the unburdening of confession. Hope does come through prayers offered in hospital waiting rooms. Salvation waits for those who would humble themselves in prayer and ask with open hearts. Who can deny such things?

And so I counsel my congregation to pray while I struggle with it myself. Such is the life of a pastor.
Imagine all things good,
Mary

Gifts

Dear Friends,
I'm afraid Mike didn't get me a present for Christmas and I'm afraid of what that means. Is it possible to love the woman of your dreams and not get her a present for Christmas? Is it possible to be in love without buying something once in a while, at least at Christmas and birthdays? I have a whole collection of presents I got for him while I was Christmas shopping and while I was vacationing in Colorado. I got something for his son. Did he ever get me anything? Does it matter? Should it? Should I let it go? Or does it really mean everything at the end of the day? I honestly don't know. I asked him (by text) but he hasn't answsered me. A friend told me last night that clearly Mike and I don't love each other because love doesn't act like this. Perhaps that friend is right. I just don't know.
Mary

Coins

Dear Friends,
I had coins all over my house, in drawers, collecting dust on my dresser and desk, in little baskets, just wherever. Today I collected them all into a large jar. I wonder how much money is in that jar. There are loads of pennies, of course. But there are also nickles, dimes, quarters, and even at least one dollar coin. There are also coins from France, Germany, and Canada. For good measure I added the $2 bill that I got as a time years ago when I was a waitress.

I can remember searching under the floormats of our car back when I was married, looking for the final $2.40 we needed to pay rent. We actually had to ask someone for two dollars and forty cents to pay our rent. That was awful.

I guess this jar is a symbol of getting my financial shit together in the new year. Next I want to organize my books. I could use a symbol of having my school shit together, too. One step at a time. One day at a time. One symbol at a time. One penny at a time.
Imagine wealth in the new year,
Mary

Woman of No Consequence, #11

Dear Friends,
I watch a lot of movies when I have time. During the break I have watched probably an average of two movies a day. My favorite professor teaches a class on film. He looks for patterns in Biblical texts and looks for similar patterns in film and puts the two into conversation with each other. He is brilliant at it. I've learned a lot about the texts and life from his observations of movies. I'm not so brilliant at it. My two attempts at writing film papers for him resulted in an A- and a B+. Not total disasters, but I'm not exactly a natural. I try.

My problem is I am not detached enough, not scholarly enough to notice the things he notices, like the lighting or the long camera shot or why those colors were used for that scene. I live the stories with the characters.

Embarrassing as it is, one of my favorite films is "The Holiday," starring Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet (with Jude Law and Jack Black). At one point Kate's character is talking to a charming retired Hollywood writer who tells her she is obviously a "leading lady" and not "the best friend." She says something like, "I should be the leading lady of my own life, for goodness sake!" It seems so obvious, but she is kind of surprised by that idea. I have to admit, I am, too. Am I really the leading lady of my own life?

Today I was watching another film, "My Sassy Girl." During the credits they ran a list of "Woman of No Consequence" listed as #1 through #11. Wow. How would you like to call your mom and say, "I finally made it! I got cast in a film!" She asks what part you got. "I got 'Woman of No Consequence #11.'" Yikes! How awful. I want to watch the film again now and carefully count out each of them and learn their names. Silly, I know. And I won't actually do it. But I feel a sort of obligation to those actresses.

I really do believe Wayne Dyer when he tells me that "what I think about expands." I know I need to think positive things and imagine a wonderful life for myself and those around me. But the truth is, most of the time I feel like "Woman of No Consequence, #11." Yeah, I matter to a couple of people, mostly my kids, but really my life is of no consequence.

I'm not depressed and I don't want to die or anything like that. I'm actually very happy. I just don't seem to matter very much, even to myself. All this talk of finding your purpose or God's plan for your life or whatever just falls flat for me. I'm a person. So what?

This leads me to another line from a film. Sandra Bullock in "Hope Floats" tells her daughter, "I'm just an ordinary person, and that's okay, because you make me special." Yep. That rings a lot more true to me than, "God has a plan for my life and it is my mission to fulfill it." Whatever. I think I am a woman of no consequence and that is okay.

Be happy,
Mary